If you feel aimless in life, like the potential all your teachers told you you had has taken you nowhere near as far as you should have gone by now, know you're not alone:

http://www.eyeweekly.com/city/features/article/55882

Another day, another relationship issue. Seriously, having to teach your almost-30-year-old boyfriend about trust is fucking pathetic. In any event, I found these "Five Stages of Ex Grief" and I can tell they are pretty spot on. Without actually breaking up with him, I've gotten to step three twice in the past ten days. Then I've forgiven him. I hope I get up the strength to no longer accept "I want to change" as an excuse to stay with him.

( Five Stages Of Ex Grief )

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the NEXT button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"B is For Brutus" (The Hives)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Bullet Proof...I wish I was..." (Radiohead)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Prove It" (Television)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"I'm Your Villain" (Franz Ferdinand)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Dirt" (Iggy & the Stooges)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Cause = Time" (Broken Social Scene)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
"Eraser" (No Age)

WHAT IS 2+2?
"I.C. Love Affair" (Gaz Nevada)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS?
"Can't Tell Me Nothing" (Kanye West)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Death Trip" (Iggy & the Stooges)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??
"London Calling" (The Clash)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE??
"Something's Gone Wrong Again" (The Buzzcocks)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Birds of Prey" (Moving Units)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Young Lovers" (Boyskout)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Out Ta Get Me" (Guns n Roses)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Planet Telex" (Radiohead)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Forever Young" (Bob Dylan)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Is It Love" (Gang of Four)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Exercise Yo' Game" (Coolio)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Obstacle 2" (Interpol)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Che" (Suicide)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Heart and Soul" (Joy Division)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Vicious World" (Rufus Wainwright)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Tissue Shoulders" (The Maccabees)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Fun 'N' Frenzy" (Josef K)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Battle Royale" (Does It Offend You, Yeah?)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Disorder" (Joy Division)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Space" (Foals)

WHAT WILL YOU TITLE THIS POST?
"Helicopter (Weird Science Remix Featuring Peaches)" (Bloc Party)

So I'm seeing this guy, and he is so wonderful I'm already getting bummed out about breaking up.

I. WANT.

Today is February 9, 2008, which means that Anthony would have turned 23 today. It's been a year since he died. Well, I guess it depends on how you define "dead." The night of his 22nd birthday, he ingested what turned out to be a lethal combination of alcohol, vicodin, and heroin. His roommate found him the next day, not breathing, but with enough time to get him to the hospital and put him on life support. His dad flew from Buffalo to Portland just to have to pull the plug on his only son's life two days later.

The funeral was in Buffalo, and it brought everyone together, closer than we'd ever been since high school. We all flew in, drove in, took trains in, from all over the country, to say goodbye to one of the most special people we had known our whole lives. Together we were red eyes, ruined make up, and hunched shoulders for two days. And who knows how long we would be like that apart.

It was sad to everyone, incredible sad. Tragic. But everybody had personal reasons. For me, he was my closest friend from high school. He was the only one I talked to on a weekly basis, the only one I texted on a daily basis, the only one I wanted to call just to hear his voice. He was the one I was so excited to see every time we ended up being in Buffalo at the same time, the only one I wanted to kiss good night and say good morning to, when I had the chance to do it in person. We weren't in a relationship, we weren't in love, we were just best friends.

It hurt so much more when I found out heroin was involved. I knew he had done it before; he'd done a lot of drugs. He knew how I felt about it when I knew he was taking whatever prescription pills his friend got him. He knew I disapproved, but that as long as he was being safe about it, I was okay with it. I didn't know he did heroin. I still don't know if he did it on a regular basis, or if he did it to celebrate his birthday, or if he was even a junkie. No matter what his relationship was to the drug, I wish I had known so I could have pleaded with him to stop.

I didn't get to say happy birthday to him last year. I worked and then got drunk and didn't even think to call him. I blamed myself for so long, thinking that if I had only called him that night, maybe I would have warned him to be safe, maybe I would have heard something in his voice that told me he was being reckless. Maybe I could have saved his life. I don't blame myself for his death anymore, but I still regret not saying one last "happy birthday" to him.

The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving weekend 2006. The last moment I saw him was when I dropped him off at his house after a night on Allen, so early in the morning, when he asked me to come in with him, but I couldn't because I had to leave to drive back to school in a few hours. I had to pick up two Nigerian sisters from their aunt's house in Rochester and drive the three of us back to Mount Holyoke. I told him this, kissed him good night, got back in my car and watched him walk to his door. As he was walking he turned back to wave goodbye. That's the last time I saw him. A few minutes later I got a text from him. It said, "Come back. Don't go to Nigeria."
I wish he didn't go to Nigeria.

My dad's dad died today. It made me cry, but not so much about his death as much as about how it is affecting my dad. He and I were not very close; I probably only met him a dozen times in my life, most of which occurred when I was too young to remember. My dad is keeping it together but I know he's very sad inside. When he acts very soft on the inside it's clear he's hurting on the inside, and it's that knowledge that makes me sad.
My sister is a very mean person, but when it comes to family issues, she gets very upset very easily. I almost feel jealous that she is so emotional about this. It makes me wonder if my family thinks I'm a bad person because I am not extremely bereaved about it. I hope this doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

In case you didn't know,

girls are crazy because boys make them that way.

Don't lead us on. Don't make us think you might be into us but we're not sure so we wait patiently for you to call and you never do. It makes us feel like shit. We're going to be rejected either way so please do it the easy way and just tell us you're not into us. One night stands are fine, but don't fuck and run. We'd rather you fuck and say, "That was nice, thank you, you're lovely, but that will be the last time." Even friends with benefits are fine, no joke, as long as you say, "This is friends with benefits. We are not dating." If you tell us we are not dating, WE WILL NOT THINK WE ARE DATING. And if we're smart (like most of us are), if we ever get the feeling we want to date you, we'll stop fucking you. Only stupid girls have friends with benefits that they want to date.
Just as important as internal reactions, you gotta worry about how it'll be on the outside if we have the same friends. It will be much less awkward in public if we know where we stand. We can still be friends if you tell us off the bat you're not into us romantically. If we are unsure, we probably can't be friends because we won't know how to act around you in social situations. And we'll keep hitting on you, and every time you accept our advances, we'll think you're into us. And every time we find out it's just because you don't want to be mean, we'll feel rejected all over again. Stop with the rejection. It's the cycle of rejection with the same damn person that makes us fucking insane.

( In other news, what happened to the way I used to write? )

I've been on this earth for 22 years, what do I have to show for it.

I really like to-do lists. Well, I like checking things off to-do lists. My favorite things to check off are life goals. I've been somewhat lucky so far; surfing, riding on a motorcycle, dating a nerdy independent cinema attendant, and a few other rather easy-to-accomplish goals have been achieved, and that makes me happy. However, there are a few things I could have erased off my to-do life goals list that I have accomplished and, instead of acknowledging they are no longer on my list, I've checked them off. For example, when I was 14, I put "work in a hair salon" on my to-do life goal list, but by the time I started university, I forgot about it. Now I'm working at a hair salon. Can I check it off the list? Or is that cheating? Does it deserve to be erased rather than checked off? Some good news is that since I was 16 I wanted to work at New World, and starting this week I'll be working there too. So that definitely counts as a check-off. In conclusion, I'm gonna be in Buffalo much longer than I anticipated in May.

Sometimes I really want someone to punch me in the face.

I can't say I'll be sad to stop hearing Rebecca sing "Part of Your World" or "Always Be My Baby" whenever she comes 'round. But oddly enough, I'm starting to think I'll miss this place.

Good idea:
Drinking caffeine in order to ensure
-participation in an early-morning class
-efficient and quick completion of a paper
-a positive attitude in a positive attitude-necessary environment

Bad idea:
Drinking caffeine two hours before bedtime.

Good idea:
Working ass-hard for 3.5 years in order to
-allow an easy last semester
-have a good final GPA
-(hopefully) add leverage to good job prospects

Bad idea:
Working ass-hard for 3.5 years only to find you've learned very little and wish you had done things much differently.

Good idea:
Making very good friends all over the world who
-you can count on to house you if you go abroad again
-send you heartfelt, if sporadic, emails about how much they miss you
-share some of the most life-altering moments of your life

Bad idea:
Making very good friends all over the world who
-fall out of touch
-forget you
-you fall in love with

Good idea:
Allowing yourself to be scared.

Bad idea:
Pretending that you're not.

The last supper consisted of favorite drinks (Strongbow) and favorite people (Caro and Kieran) and when I got to my dad's, I was full of greasy food and sadness and I thought my last night alone in Toronto would be a good, full sleep (aided no doubt by the Strongbow and a few tears).

But even though my eyes were shut by 11:30pm, they only remained so for a few hours. Then tossing and turning commenced and didn't stop till I made use of my flailing legs and got up to get water and a book. That was 5am. And I haven't been asleep since.

First I was worried: will I be nonfunctional on my last day at work? Will I leave a bitter taste in the mouths of those I'm about to leave? Am I going to be morbidly emotional like the last time I left, or will I offend everyone by not being emotional at all? I explained to Caro that I'm conflicted; on one hand, I'm leaving essentially for the last time - there are no more concrete excuses/reasons for me to return to Toronto (and more specifically, to Eye, which is where I would want to be if I came back to the city). On the other hand, I've already proven to myself that it's not impossible to see people you think you'll never see again, and thus in the back of my mind I know I'll see them again. The first time 'round, I was sure it was the end, and I cried so much I gave myself a black eye. But this time is different, and I really hope they know I'm not as sad as I was back then not because I'm ready to go, but because I know I can come back.

Enough of the worrying - that wasn't the cause of the insomnia anyway. No, the true cause was a mix of two things: caffeine and excitedness. I drank a lot of coffee and tea yesterday, so that explains part of it. But the sleep (or lack thereof) felt EXACTLY the same way I slept the night before the first day of school. Throughout all of high school and middle school, I never caught a good night's sleep that fateful night in September. I would try so hard to think of anything but the next day, but never succeeded, and the whole night always ended up being a racing heartbeat and twisted bed sheets.

Anyway, I'm up now. My heart is still racing and my tummy is in knots. But I'm going to take a shower, drink a cup of coffee, get my things together, and get my SHIT together before I roll into Eye Weekly one last time.

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

Beware of the games that she'll want to start playing.

"When you love, everything you do for the other person, you're doing it for yourself."

So I'm writing my first paper of the semester (I know, right?) and it's due tomorrow and it's only five pages long and I've already done all the research and found more than enough quotes to substantiate my points, but I've been working on it for the past 45 minutes and I just realized, halfway through the paper, that I am talking out of my ass. I don't think this is a good time to be writing this paper because I'm not saying anything concrete. But I can't give up on it right now, #1 because it's due tomorrow and #2 because I just drank a cup of coffee. If I'm gonna be up for a few more hours, I might as well use the time to get done what I decided to stay up for in the first place. This sucks. I need to take a break. And after only 45 minutes. Damn it. Sometimes - okay, a lot of times - I wish I had ADD so I could score some adderol; it seems the drug makes writing papers (and focusing on things in general) a lot easier. Plus my exams would be untimed. Sweet.